Synod’s Final Report Already Written By Bon Jovi

ROME — During a press conference this morning, the Secretary General of the Synod on the Family, Cardinal Lorenzo Baldiserri, along with Archbishop Bruno Forte, confirmed rumors that the Relatio Synodi, or the final document of the synod, has already been written.

“We have decided to bypass the traditional rules governing the order in which certain synodal documents are prepared.  We know what we want, so we don’t need to wait for Pope Francis or the Synod Fathers or their discussions.”

Cardinal Baldiserri stated that the final document is “way, way shorter” than such documents usually are, and is also written in a lyrical style.  Perhaps most unusual, the document is in the form of a narrative that follows a man and woman whose love for each other allows them to confront whatever hardships they encounter.

“We felt this would be a beautiful way to promulgate the yearnings of the Synod,” explained Cardinal Baldisseri.  “After all it is real men and women in the real world who are living and struggling.”

“Therefore, the Synod’s final report will be about a man named Tommy, who used to work on the docks,” explained Archbishop Forte. “However, his union went on strike and he’s down on his luck.  It is also about a woman, Gina, who works in a diner all day and brings home her pay, for love.”

“They don’t have much, but they got each other,” added Cardinal Baldiserri.  “And that’s a lot.”

When asked by a reporter whether they weren’t just reciting the lyrics to “Living on a Prayer,” both prelates initially seemed taken aback and denied having ever heard of such a thing.  However, when pressed, Archbishop Forte lashed out.

“Okay fine! So what if we are? It embodies the new approach that we think the Church should take.  We wanted to embrace people on the path of acceptance and expand the meaning of love.  But you conservatives with your strict rules and doctrine – you gave love a bad name, bad name.”

At that point the press conference moved on to other topics, including the surprise announcement that the jettisoned midterm report, or Relatio post disceptationem, would instead be replaced by a Synod Extraordinary Halftime Show in St. Peter’s Square.

So stay tuned for more news on that.