Luke, I Aborted You Five Years Ago Today: Please Forgive Me
My Dearest Luke,
You should be here. You should be close to 4 1/2 years old…playing, laughing, learning, growing…a part of my every day, my life, my family, my all. Instead, I must carry the weight of your absence for the rest of my days on earth. I carry the grief over losing you and knowing you should be here, bringing joy and beauty to this world, had it not been for a decision I made. Regret barely conveys the depth of my profound emotion. At times over the past five years, the deep grief and sorrow has threatened to consume me.
Today is your 5th “Heaven Day.” February 6th, 2009…a day that will be etched into my heart and mind always. The day that you died and the day that a part of me died with you. A fog settles in on my heart on this day each year, just as a thick fog settles on a city on a cold, rainy day.
I was distraught as you grew, distraught as I took that little pill that I thought would “fix things” and distraught afterwards. I can hardly bear it that I did not fight to protect your life, like a mother should. I did not place your life before my desperate thoughts of self-preservation. I was deceived into thinking you were not really a baby yet at that gestation (6 weeks), so what I was doing was perfectly okay.
I don’t quite know how to picture how you’d look, who you’d be. It seems almost like a distant memory, even though I never truly did know you in that way. Each time I try to imagine, it seems just out of my grasp, like how a dream feels when you’re waking up and trying to remember what you were dreaming of. I like to think of you full of life and love, playing energetically with trains and trucks…though I don’t know much else to think of beyond that. I don’t know how to picture your nose or hair or the color of your eyes. My mind just freezes when I try to go to that place.
All I have of you and will ever have of you is the one single ultrasound photo. That and a few items I have collected in your honor to be kept in a special memory box. They are basically created memories. These things seem so empty at times when I should have a living, breathing child in my arms.
You will forever and always be my first babe, the first child of my womb, and nobody could ever replace that love I have in my heart for you or that special place you will always hold. Lily was my first-born, but you were my first. I hope to have more children one day. They will grow up always knowing about and loving their big brother. You will teach them so much in your short time on earth…about the value and beauty of each individual life, no matter how small. How God has a plan and purpose for each one of us and we are precious in His sight!
Thank you for teaching me all these things and more. Thank you for being you. I know you are resting in the tender care of Father God and you will wait for me until that glorious day when I meet you for the first time. I must say “I’m sorry, little one,” though I know in my heart you hold no unforgiveness towards me, your mother, and you extend only love and mercy.
I would give anything to go back and embrace your life, but since I cannot, I will live with this profound loss forever. It is my hope and prayer that through our story, others will choose LIFE. The grief I feel is hardly as big as the love, dear Luke.This love I have for you knows no bounds. I am just so sorry I discovered the love too late. I have such joy in knowing I will see you one day and I will know you in a way I never will here. I have such hope in telling others about your life and what God has done in me because of your life. I am who I am today because of you and your little sister, Lily. God has brought me such a passion and purpose because of you…
I miss you, though I never met you. I miss your soul, your life, your everything. I promise to always be your voice. I promise I will allow God to use me to share yours and Lily’s story. It is all one story…for each chapter is intertwined into one glorious tapestry.
I wanted to be rid of you before. I hoped for nobody to ever find out you even existed…But, now I speak because I want the world to know you are my son. I will honor your life in every way I can, as long as I live…until the day of our Heavenly reunion.
I’ll love and miss you always, Luke Shiloh,
Mommy
This is a poem I wrote in honor and memory of Luke:
First child of my womb,
Quietly you grew, hidden from all eyes.
Why didn’t I choose LIFE?
Why did I believe the lies?
Flesh of my flesh,
My baby, forever you’ll be.
I’m sorry I chose the wrong way.
I’m sorry I didn’t SEE.
Your life was not wasted.
Valued and precious you are.
God is speaking mightily through you.
From my thoughts, you will never be far.
From darkness to light,
You will always be a part of the story.
Our Father in Heaven promises
To work all this together for His glory.
Your name means “light” and “peace,”
My precious little one.
That’s what He’s brought in all of this.
In Christ, the victory is won!
I promise to be your voice
Until my days on earth are through.
I will never be silent
Until the time that I meet you.
In that moment,
I will gaze upon your face.
I will hold you, kiss you, know you,
In awe of His great mercy and amazing grace.
Even then I know,
Your legacy will still live.
For He breathes beauty into this story,
And purpose He will continue to give.
I love you my little Lukey.
Thank you for changing me.
Until we meet, my darling,
A forever part of me you’ll be.
With all my might, I’ll fight in your honor,
Until the battle for LIFE is won.
In my eyes and heart,
You will always be my son.
You can follow my journey at www.facebook.com/HannahRoseAllen
LifeNews Note: Hannah Rose Allen is a Christian young woman passionate about the pro-life message. Through her own experience with unplanned pregnancy, abortion and the loss of a child, Hannah Rose has become a pro-life advocate dedicated to ministering the love of Jesus to others. She tells her unique and compelling story on her website, roseandherlily.com, and at banquets and pro-life events, churches, and college campuses. Hannah Rose resides with her family in Raleigh, North Carolina, where she volunteers at her local Pregnancy Resource Center and works as a nanny.
