Dear The Internet

I also require this for my complete happiness and fulfillment as a human being. Please start one of those Kickstarter things you young people are all het up about and buy this for me. Thank you.

Oh, and don’t get me started with the “asking for a free handout” jazz. Happiness can be defined as psychological health. This is therefore health care. I am *entitled* to this and you must pay for it. It’s tragic to see the Church shifting the burden of responsibility for the care of its members to the State. Show me *one* bible verse where Jesus said that Caesar was supposed to pay for free tree houses for all Christians. I’m not *saying* those who deny this aren’t real Catholics. But I think we’re all thinking it. I’ll pray for you. Meanwhile, get cracking. Those free tree houses I need aren’t going to pay for themselves!

Also, I’m told I need to tell you guys to pay for my enrollment in some kind of “Developing People Skills:  A Remedial Course for Selfish Narcissists” seminar.  No idea what that’s all about.